BEAR CREEK BEACH ADVICE & GUIDELINES PAMPHLET.
You have received a copy of the Bear Creek Beach Guidelines & Advice Pamphlet because you will be present within Bear Creek Limits (Widest) either as a resident or visitor during days of the year when the appearance of Bear Creek Beach is most likely. If you have read through or are in possession of any earlier editions of this pamphlet, please ensure that you still read through this latest revision, as advice and guidelines may have changed.
Bear Creek Beach has appeared annually within Bear Creek Limits since 1898 at the latest, and its manifestation is a focal occasion in the calendar of Bear Creek Town.
During the days that it is present, Bear Creek Beach acts as a hub for activities, research and recreation. Despite the fact that weather on Bear Creek Beach is almost uniformly grim, Bear Creek and its residents appreciate what it offers: community, family time together, change of scenery, closeness, abject horror and great laughs.
This pamphlet will provide important basic information about Bear Creek Beach, including:
- The location and time of Bear Creek Beach’s appearance
- Dangers on Bear Creek Beach
- Recreational activities on Bear Creek Beach
WHEN WILL BEAR CREEK BEACH APPEAR.
The exact time of Bear Creek Beach’s appearance is not predictable.
Bear Creek Beach usually appears in the fall period of September – November. This is a likelihood based on past occurrences and is not a certainty. This time frame should be considered a ‘best guess.’ Bear Creek Beach has appeared in August, April, and on Christmas Day. It has appeared in most months of the year, with 70-80% of these appearances happening in September – November.*
While Bear Creek Beach has appeared for varying lengths of time, it has never appeared more than once in a calendar year.
An authorised town announcement will be made once Bear Creek Beach’s approach has been reported and verified. Runners will be dispatched to those residences that are out of townhorn range or out of television/radio broadcast range.
*Records since 1898 cannot be considered complete due to:
- The Eight Years of the Mushroom Grove (1911-1919); the documented presence or non-presence of Bear Creek Beach in any of these years is subject to disbelief or scrutiny
- The Bear Creek Parade Tragedy (1955); Bear Creek Beach is said informally to have been seen disappearing in the wake of the Tragedy, though there is no documented mention of its manifestation that year
WHEN WILL BEAR CREEK BEACH DISAPPEAR.
The exact time of Bear Creek Beach’s disappearance is not predictable.
A designated ‘wave watcher’ will be present at all times of day and night on a collapsible tower. DO NOT DISTURB THE WAVE WATCHER. The wave watcher will sound the EVACUATION ALARM when they perceive certain patterns of breakers and wave heads that may indicate the impending disappearance of the beach. If you hear this alarm, EVACUATE THE BEACH.
If you are still on Bear Creek Beach at the time of its disappearance, you will NOT BE SEEN AGAIN. NOBODY who has been present on Bear Creek Beach at the time of its disappearance HAS BEEN SEEN AGAIN. The names of anybody lost in this manner will be added to the appropriate memorial on Bear Creek Crest.
If you are still on Bear Creek Beach at the time of its disappearance, the best of luck is wished to you by the town of Bear Creek, the mayor of Bear Creek, the citizens of Bear Creek and the publishers of this pamphlet.
WHERE WILL BEAR CREEK BEACH APPEAR.
The precise location of Bear Creek Beach’s appearance is not exactly predictable, but manifestation tends to occur around one location. In general it may be assumed that Bear Creek Beach will appear 5 or more miles northwest of Bear Creek Crest, along Eider Trail 2.
On occasion hikers, families or lovers have been walking in the area of Bear Creek Beach’s appearance and at the time of Bear Creek Beach’s appearance. Due to the unpredictability of Bear Creek Beach, it is in no way possible to guarantee avoidance of such an occurrence. Due to the extensive and difficult rehabilitation required of such people who were subsequently relocated after Bear Creek Beach’s disappearance however, where possible make all reasonable efforts to avoid such circumstance.
HAZARDS ON BEAR CREEK BEACH.
New discoveries are made on Bear Creek Beach most years and unpredicted happenings are not rare. Many of the things that have occurred or persistently occur at Bear Creek Beach have been or are HIGHLY DANGEROUS. This section of the pamphlet details some of the more frequent hazards on Bear Creek Beach. This list should NOT BE TAKEN AS EXHAUSTIVE, as things can happen that are SURPRISING and LETHAL. This list should be considered guidelines for your safety should you choose to visit Bear Creek Beach. NONE of the measures or protections mentioned are GUARANTEES and visiting Bear Creek Beach for a lovely sunny holiday beside the seaside is carried out AT YOUR OWN RISK.
5a. Rock Pools
Bear Creek Beach is often home to a number of rock pools that tend to be vibrant with grey and brown sealife, and which make excellent places of interest and observation for adults, and interest, observation and play for children.
On many occasions in the past, the rock pools at Bear Creek Beach have been known to EXACERBATE FEELINGS OF UPSET, TIME-RELATED NERVOUSNESS, BIOLOGICAL LONELINESS AND ROMANTIC LONELINESS. If you have experienced these feelings and intend on visiting Bear Creek Beach, and especially if you intend on recreational activities in or near the rock pools, please ensure that prior to visiting you book and attend a consultation with Dr. Grater.
Research staff from the Bear Creek Visitor Museum have not yet determined if the amplification of the feelings mentioned above is effected by a particular organism living in the rock pools, the particularly ruminative qualities of the water in the pools, the ruminative reflection of the glum Bear Creek Beach sky wobbling off the surface of the rock pool water, or a combination of these things. Appropriate investigation continues each year.
On five separate documented occasions (1925, 1959, 1994, 1995, 2004), an organism informally referred to as ‘Spines’ has risen up out of one of the rock pools on Bear Creek Beach.
Each rising of ‘Spines’ was followed by EXTREME TERROR and VIOLENCE. Any confirmed or suspected rising of ‘Spines’ should be considered DANGER OF THE HIGHEST LEVEL and should be reacted to with IMMEDIATE EVACUATION AND ESCAPE OF BEAR CREEK BEACH.
‘Spines’ is easily identified:
- ‘Spines’ is bipedal in form
- ‘Spines’ is approximately 3m in height
- ‘Spines’ is violently muscular, red and tendonous in color as though any skin that had formed an outer covering was pulled clean off to demonstrate the raging tension of power beneath
- ‘Spines’ has around its mouth and face a frightening chaos of spines and needles
- ‘Spines’ making eye contact with you is invocative of the variety of unfiltered dread generally known only in nightmares
- The rising of ‘Spines’ may be preceded by sealife floating temporarily up out of the water in a given pool
While on Bear Creek Beach, please keep these succinct guidelines in mind at all times:
- RUN IF YOU SEE SPINES
- SHOUT OUT IF YOU SEE OR THINK YOU HAVE SEEN SPINES
- DO NOT ATTEMPT TO COMBAT SPINES
- IF YOU SEE PEOPLE EVACUATING THE BEACH, EVACUATE WITH THEM
- LEAVE YOUR BELONGINGS
- IF YOU SEE SPINES OR THINK YOU HAVE SEEN SPINES OR ARE EVACUATING THE BEACH BECAUSE SOMEBODY ELSE HAS REPORTED SEEING SPINES, ATTEMPT TO ALERT THE BEAR CREEK BEACH COAST GUARD WHEN IT IS SAFE TO DO SO AND WITHOUT SLOWING YOUR ESCAPE
- IF SPINES HAS HOLD OF YOU OR IS CLOSING ON YOU MAKE YOURSELF READY AS PER YOUR RELIGIOUS OR NON-RELIGIOUS OBSERVATIONS
- IF SPINES IS CLOSING ON YOUR LOVED ONES OR ANYONE YOU DEEM DESERVING, THROWING YOURSELF OR NOT AT SPINES IN ORDER TO ATTEMPT SLOWING IT DOWN IS YOUR OWN PERSONAL DECISION. SUCH AN ACT IS UNLIKELY TO SLOW SPINES. IF SUCH AN ACT DOES SLOW SPINES, IT WILL ONLY DO SO FOR THE VERY SLIGHT AMOUNT OF TIME THAT IT TAKES HIM TO FINISH WITH YOU. IN ALL CASES THIS WILL RESULT IN THE LOSS OF YOUR LIFE
Note: a memorial to those lost during the five past rising can be visited at Bear Creek Crest. Donations to the Bear Creek Beach Coast Guard are welcome and encouraged.
5c. The Seadog’s Bane
The Seadog’s Bane is a large sailing vessel circa late 17th century in appearance that appears on the ocean horizon at Bear Creek Beach every year.
Practical precautions can be challenging owing to lack of information on the ship, its crew, its origin and its intentions. Once the Seadog’s Bane has appeared on the horizon, it will commence sailing toward the shore of Bear Creek Beach without exception. Its purpose in doing so is UNKNOWN. The makeup of its crew is UNKNOWN.
Some general rules that should be adhered to are:
- If you are unnerved by the closeness of the Seadog’s Bane to the shore, be cautious and EVACUATE
- If the Bear Creek Beach Coast Guard perceives the Seadog’s Bane as being too close to shore, an alarm will be sounded. If you hear this alarm, EVACUATE
- If the alarm is sounding, do not at any time position yourself between the Bear Creek Beach Coast Guard and the Seadog’s Bane
- If you happen to make any observations about the Seadog’s Bane (for instance if you have observed something particular about its hull construction or if you think you have seen a member of the ship’s crew) please report them at the soonest opportunity to the Intrepid Society and the research office at the Bear Creek Visitor Museum
The Bear Creek Beach Coast Guard monitors Bear Creek Beach for your safety. For more information, see Section 8.
If you will be of conscription age in the year of Bear Creek Beach’s appearance, you will have received a separate informational pack on the Bear Creek Beach Coast Guard. If you have not received this but believe you should have, please enquire at the Bear Creek Fish House.
5d. Waving on Bear Creek Beach
REFRAIN AT ALL TIMES FROM MAKING ANY ‘BECKONING’ WAVING MOTIONS WHILE ON BEAR CREEK BEACH.
THIS IS DUE TO ISOLATED OCCASIONS ON WHICH A FIGURE HAS BEEN SEEN ON THE ‘EASTERN’ END OF THE BEACH (TO YOUR LEFT AS YOU FACE THE SEA) ‘BECKONING’ BEACH-GOERS.
THE ‘EASTERN’ END OF THE BEACH CAN BE DELINEATED BY THE TREES IT LEADS OFF INTO. DO NOT GO INTO THE TREES ALONE OR WITH THE FIGURE.
THE FIGURE MAY APPEAR INDISTINCT FROM A LOVED ONE, SOMEBODY YOU KNOW, OR YOURSELF.
IF YOU THINK YOU CAN SEE SOMEBODY YOU KNOW (ALIVE OR DECEASED) WAVING FROM THE EASTERN END OF THE BEACH, IGNORE THEM AND DO NOT APPROACH THEM.
IF YOU THINK YOU CAN SEE SOMEBODY YOU DO NOT KNOW WAVING FROM THE EASTERN END OF THE BEACH, IGNORE THEM AND DO NOT APPROACH THEM. ALERT THE NEAREST MEMBER OF A RESEARCH TEAM IF POSSIBLE.
5e. The Closing of Bear Creek Beach
See Section 3.
WHAT CAN I DO AT BEAR CREEK BEACH.
With hazards in mind and all reasonable measures taken to avoid them, Bear Creek Beach is home to exciting activities yearly:
- Watch an excavation team continue to unearth a fossil from the western cliff face (see Section 7)!
- At night, stargaze and coat your marshmallows in the dust that falls from the sky! Listen to Alfred Franklin’s talk This Is Actually What the Night SKy Would Look Like from Ceres!
- See if you can get a popsicle by actually catching up to The Chained-Up Lollipop and his van of ice cream tricks! Get out of his way!
- Clear the decks when Sally-o Joe flings open the doors of her family car and lets her twenty-three sons run riot on the beach! ABANDON YOUR SANDCASTLES! Don’t get smashed by their buckets ‘n’ spades!
- Join Jan & Barn Teller under their pavilion covers for a LIVE discussion of the HOTTEST BEAR CREEK GOSS.
- Attend an open-air screening of one of Bear Creek’s finest classic movies! THEY REALLY ARE. Recent years have seen Well I Once Heard a Story of Trillity Bly!, Trom Tiddly Trom Rom-Pom Pah-Pah! and Didn’t You Know? WE’RE AVIN A BAYBEH.
The area to the far ‘west’ of the beach (to your right as you face the sea) will continue to be cordoned off as has been the case since 1985. This is to permit the uninterrupted continuing work of the palaeontological excavation team and their removal and study of a large set of as yet unclassified fossil remains set into the cliffsides.
Onlookers and children are welcome to observe the excavation work from behind the cordon, and members of the team are happy to speak to observers as their work allows.
BEAR CREEK BEACH COAST GUARD.
Individuals aged between 15-25 in a given year are considered of conscription age for the Bear Creek Beach Coast Guard. Such individuals may or may not be called upon, but should in any case be prepared to respond to a summons.
Once called, conscripted individuals can be expected to be subject to 2-4 weeks of rigorous training, regardless of previous experience.
Primary subjects addressed in the training will include:
- Action to take in the event of ‘Spines’
- Monitoring and interception of the Sea Dog’s Bane
- Wave watching
- Repairing craft after attack by unidentified/unclassified cetaceans
- Action to take in the event of a civilian walking away into the trees on the ‘eastern’ side of the beach
While Bear Creek Beach Coast Guard service is mandatory for all conscripted, moderate payment will be awarded in the form of a lump sum. Service additionally provides highly unique experience and skills and can lead to further opportunities.
If you believe you should have received the additional information pack regarding Bear Creek Beach Coast Guard service, please enquire at the Bear Creek Fish House.
HAVE A NICE LOVELY SUNNY HOLIDAY.
Didn’t you know!
We printed this leaflet just for you
And we all just wanted to say
We’ve all had a such lovely and wonderful time
And we wish you a nicest loveliest sunniest seasideyest lovingest beautiful time and we all hope you get off the beach intact with all your love
Published, printed and distributed by Bear Creek Town Proper Printing Press.
Originally published in the Bear Creek Gazette, Issue 4.